Kindness, Ephesians 4:31-32

We’ve been studying the qualities or character traits that are listed in Galatians 5:22-23, that the apostle Paul calls the fruit of the Spirit.  These qualities make up the Christlikeness that God wants to see in us and displayed in our lives.  And these are the qualities He’s willing to help us develop if we’re on board.  If we desire to be like Christ and pursue His likeness in these ways, His Spirit will guide and empower us to make great progress in the development of these qualities.  So we’ve talked about the first four in the list.  We’ve talked about love and joy and peace and patience.  We’re at the one right in the middle of the list this morning, the quality of kindness.  I’d like to just address two questions this morning.  First, what is kindness?  And second, why do we want to be kind?

What is kindness?  (Ephesians 4:31-32)

We probably already have a good idea of what kindness is; it’s showing care for another, displaying in your attitude and speech and actions toward  another that you value their wellbeing and happiness, you don’t want them to hurt in any way, rather you want the best for them.  Showing that care toward someone is being kind.

There’s a great passage in Ephesians 4 that helps me see what kindness is and what it’s not.  If you’d like to turn there, we’ll look at it for a bit, Ephesians 4:31-32.  It describes the very opposite of kindness in verse 31 and then in verse 32 it describes what’s involved in the kindness that God wants to see in us.

The Opposite of Kindness

So let’s notice the opposite of kindness in verse 31.  The opposite of kindness is, first of all, bitterness.  Sometimes the word kindness in the Greek text is also translated “sweetness”.  Bitterness is its opposite.  The Greek term can mean something that tastes awful or smells bad, or something sharp or pointed.  To be bitter to someone means to be as pleasant to them as sour milk, as a bad odor, or a poke from a sharp stick.  It’s like when they were having a good day, until you showed up.  Part of kindness has to do with how pleasant you are to be around.  How pleasant are we to be around?  Are we like something bitter or something sweet?  Do we brighten people’s day or do we darken it?

And then in Ephesians 4:31 it lists a form of bitterness (opposite of kindness), wrath.  Explosions of temper, outbursts of anger, throwing things that don’t work like you want them to, breaking things, cussing at people, punching walls, kicking the dog, road rage, things like that, that’s wrath.  That’s the opposite of kindness and Paul says all wrath is to be done away with.

And then along with wrath, all anger.  That’s when you may not be raging about, but you’re mad and you’re not letting it go.  Thankfully we find in 4:26 that the initial emotional response of anger when somebody has done something foolish is not necessarily wrong.  But it’s what we do with it that can be wrong.  4:26 says, “Be angry, and yet do not sin [control it, don’t give way to wrath]; do not let the sun down on your anger, 27 and do not give the devil an opportunity.”  So don’t hold on to your anger, stoke it, or replay over and over in your mind what happened and how unfair it was and what that person deserves.  Instead, go for a walk to cool off, remember how forgiving God has been of you, and remember vengeance is the Lord’s, it is His to repay, and He’s in control and He’ll take care of things, and resolve it.  Not resolving your anger, staying mad is the opposite of kindness.

And then – clamor.  Clamor is a word that means loud speaking.  It refers to raising your voice, shouting or screaming at somebody.  That’s the opposite of kind.

Then we have slander.  That’s any talk that’s intended to hurt, to belittle, to insult, to defame, to just make someone feel bad.  It’s also talking with others, trying to convince them what a lousy person so and so is.  You could slander someone to their face or when they’re not around.

And then we have – malice.  Ill will, it is wanting harm to befall someone.  It would make you happy to hear that something bad happened to them.  It’s bearing a grudge against somebody.

What’s Involved in Kindness

Then at verse 32, Paul says rather than all that stuff, “Be kind to one another…”  It’s something you do.  Kind is not just not being bitter. Just because something is not bitter, does not necessarily make it sweet.  Not being angry or shouting or insulting or malicious, does necessarily make you kind.  To be kind to another person, you have to do something or say something that blesses the other person in some way.  It’s thinking about them and their circumstances and their needs and feelings, and then taking positive action to bless them in some way.

Kindness is noticing good qualities in people or things they are doing well and complimenting them.  Kindness is opening the door for people.  Kindness is noticing somebody working hard and bringing them something to drink.

Kindness is Jesus welcoming little children and giving them some of His time to say a prayer over them.  Kindness is Jesus at the last supper.  It wasn’t His job, nobody asked Him to do it, nobody expected Him to do it, but He just got up from supper and He poured water in a basin and girded Himself with a towel and went around to each disciple, even Judas, and washed their dirty feet.

Kindness describes one who takes initiative to be friendly and helpful to others.  Kindness is that Christian lady in Acts 9 who lived in Joppa, that Peter raised from the dead (the one with the name that you probably should never give to one of your children), Dorcas.  It describes her as one who continually abounded in deeds of kindness.  So not just random acts of kindness, but she was a doer of regular acts of kindness.  The text gives an example.  She would give her time and resources to make tunics and garments for the people who couldn’t afford clothing.  All the widows in the church received clothing from her.

If you keep going in verse 32, it talks more about what’s involved in being kind.  It involves being “tender-hearted.”  You are stirred emotionally; you are touched inside at the sight of suffering or distress in other people.  I don’t know of a better story that illustrates it than Jesus’ story of the Good Samaritan in Luke 10.  In my own modern paraphrase version: the deacon and youth minister were coming home from church one day, they saw a poor guy stripped and beaten and bleeding in the road and just passed by on the other side (because they had schedules to keep and they just did their Christian duty at church and surely somebody less busy would come down the road later and help the guy).  Then the Samaritan, I mean the guy from the liberal church, on a business trip, with his own tight schedule, came down the road and when he saw the poor guy, he felt compassion, he was tenderhearted.  He thought this person in the road is a human being like me with feelings and needs. He thought about how desperate he was, how he must be hurting, how scared he must be, maybe he has a wife and kids at home that need him, and he so felt for the man that he bandaged him up and took him to the nearest clinic, and seeing that the poor guy obviously had no money to pay for treatment, he gave the person at the front counter his credit card information and told them to do whatever the man needs.  That’s kindness.

So kindness involves thinking about the people around us and their circumstances; how they’re feeling, their needs, and caring enough to do what we can to meet their needs, relieve their suffering, lift their burdens.

Then in Ephesians 4:32,  kindness is also, “forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”  I don’t know of a better story that explains that than Jesus’ parable in Matthew 18 in response to Peter asking, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him?  Up to seven times?”  And Jesus said, “Try more like seventy times seven.”  And then Jesus told this story.  He said, “A king wished to settle accounts with his slaves.  When he had begun to settle, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.”  Ten thousand talents is an unbelievable amount of money.  It’s like billions of dollars.  And this slave who owes billions is brought before the king and he has nothing to pay the king.  The king can have him sold off as a slave along with his wife and kids.  He can torture him to motivate him to work to pay back all he possibly can.  He can even have him executed.  This is a picture of us and our debt before God.  He’s given us life and this world to live in and he sends the sunshine and rain and provides us with food and all sorts of good things.  We owe him everything just for that.  But then we have constantly compounded our debt before Him by sin, by using the members of our bodies and our time and what He’s given us in ways that are not His will.  We are the slave who owes the king 10,000 talents and He has every right to punish and destroy us.  Well, in the story, Jesus says, the slave fell to the ground before the king and begged, “Have patience with me and I will repay you.”  That’s the most ridiculous thing you have ever heard; no way is he going to repay this debt.  And there are lots of kind, merciful things the king could have done.  He could have said, “Alright, I tell you what.  I’ll just sell all your possessions and take eighty percent of your wages for the rest of your life.  You can live with your family on twenty percent.  I’ll just take eighty.”  And the slave would have said, “Oh thank you Lord for your mercy.  Thank you for your kindness.”  Or he could have said, “I’ll cut your debt in half and give you five more years to come up with the other half and then if you still don’t have it, I’ll have to sell you off.”  And he would have said, “Oh thank you for your patience.  Thank you for your kindness.”  But Jesus says, “And the lord of that slave felt compassion [he was tender-hearted toward him] and released him and forgave him the debt.”  Every penny of 10,000 talents, he canceled.  “Go live with your family.  Keep your possessions.  Keep your wages.  Your debt is considered paid in full.”  That’s a picture of what God does for us who are in Christ.  When He invites us in by the gospel and we decide we’re going to follow Jesus and we appeal for His mercy and grace in being baptized, He cancels every penny of our 10,000 talent debt.  But then Jesus describes what, unfortunately, forgiven people often do.  He says, “But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him 100 denarii.”  That’s like $2000, $3000, you might think it’s a significant debt, but nothing compared to the debt he was just forgiven of.  He grabbed his fellow slave by the throat and began to choke him and demand, ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ His fellow slave fell on the ground before him and pleaded, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ But the forgiven slave was unwilling to be patient with his fellow slave, let alone forgive him.  So he took his fellow slave and had him put in prison.  Other slaves were watching.  And they were so disgusted at how he could be shown such unbelievable kindness and then turn around and be so unwilling to show a little kindness to his fellow slave, they went and told the king what he did.  The king revoked that slave’s forgiveness, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that he owed.  And Jesus said, “My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”

Do you have someone in your life who has wronged you seven times or more?  Jesus is saying that whatever that person has done, it is still nothing compared to the debt that you’ve been forgiven of.  And we must show gratitude and honor God by reflecting His kindness to that person.  Ephesians 4:31-32, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

So that’s a bit on what kindness is and what it’s not.  Now,

Why do we want to be kind?

Obviously, one reason we want to be kind is because God requires it, but there are more reasons…  I want to read you a story that reminds me of one of the reasons we want to be kind.  A man named Kent Nerburn tells this story of a time when he worked as a taxi driver and was called to pick someone up in the middle of the night:

“When I arrived at the address, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground-floor window.  Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a short minute, then drive away….  But I had seen too many people trapped in a life of poverty who depended on the cab as their only means of transportation.  Unless a situation had a real whiff of danger, I always went to the door to find the passenger…

So I walked to the door and knocked.

“Just a minute,” answered a frail and elderly voice.  I could hear the sound of something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened.  A small woman somewhere in her 80s stood before me.  She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like you might see in a 1940s movie.  By her side was a small nylon suitcase.  The sound had been her dragging it across the floor.  The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years.  All the furniture was covered with sheets.  There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters.  In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said.  “I’d like a few moments alone.  Then, if you could come back and help me?  I’m not very strong.”

I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.  She took my arm, and we walked slowly toward the curb.  She kept thanking me for my kindness.

“It’s nothing,” I told her.  “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”

“Oh, you’re such a good boy,” she said.  Her praise and appreciation were almost embarrassing.
When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”

“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered.

“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said.  “I’m in no hurry.  I’m on my way to a hospice.”

I looked in the rearview mirror.  Her eyes were glistening.  “I don’t have any family left,” she continued.  “The doctor says I should go there.  He says I don’t have very long.”

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.  “What route would you like me to go?”  I asked.

For the next two hours we drove through the city.  She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.  We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they had first been married.  She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.  Sometimes she would have me slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired.  Let’s go now.”

We drove in silence to the address she had given me.  It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.  Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up.  Without waiting for me, they opened the door and began assisting the woman.  They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move.  They must have been expecting her; perhaps she had phoned them right before we left.  I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase up to the door.  The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.

“Nothing,” I said.

“You have to make a living,” she answered.

“There are other passengers,” I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.  She held on to me tightly.  “You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said.  “Thank you.”

There was nothing more to say.  I squeezed her hand once, then walked out into the dim morning light.  Behind me, I could hear the door shut.  It was the sound of the closing of a life.  I did not pick up any more passengers that shift.  I drove aimlessly, lost in thought.  For the remainder of that day, I could hardly talk.  What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?  What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?  What if I had been in a foul mood and had refused to engage the woman in conversation?  How many other moments like that had I missed or failed to grasp?

We are so conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.  But great moments often catch us unawares.  When that woman hugged me and said that I had brought her a moment of joy, it was possible to believe that I had been placed on earth for the sole purpose of providing her with that last ride.  I do not think that I have ever done anything in my life that was any more important.

We want to be kind so that we can live lives full of great moments, lives of meaning and significance and importance, lives where we feel good about how we’re living.  God has made us to be kind. He’s wired us to feel good, feel right when we’re doing that.

We also want to be kind for good relationships.  There was a couple, true story, celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.  The husband was asked what the secret was to his successful marriage.  As old men like to do, he answered with a story.  He said that on their wedding day, after he and Sarah had said their vows, his father-n-law took him aside and handed him a small gift.  And his father-in-law said to him, “Within this gift is all you really need to know to have a happy marriage.”  Nervously, he unwrapped the package and in the box was a very nice gold watch.  And he carefully took it out of the box and examined it and he saw that etched across the face of the watch were some words, a prudent little reminder for him that he would see whenever he checked the time of day… words that, if heeded, held the secret to a successful marriage.  The words said, “Say something nice to Sarah.”  Have you noticed the power of just saying something nice to your spouse, especially when the two of you have not been having a good day, like “I’m glad I married you.”  or “I so appreciate that you do this.”  Or “I love this about you”?  Have you noticed the impact it has on her mood and on your own?  I think if we were kind enough to say something nice to our spouse as often as we check the time, we’d probably have pretty good marriages?

Another true story:  (Sorry, if I overdid on the stories here.)  A couple years before this very famous TV personality died, he had his car stolen in Pittsburgh.  He filed a police report and the local news picked up on what had happened and they put it out all over the city, and before long, much of Pittsburgh knew that this individual’s car had been stolen, including the guys who had stolen it.  A short time after the news broke, the car reappeared in the same spot that it had been stolen from with a note on the dashboard that said, “If we’d known it was yours, we never would have taken it.”  The man who owned the car was Fred Roger’s, “Mr.  Rogers”.  Remember kind Mr.  Rogers?  Changing his jacket for a sweater and changing his shoes, singing the “Won’t you be my neighbor?”  song?  Most people, even a lot of thieves, admire kindness and respect those that are kind.  I Peter 3:13, “Who is there to harm you if you prove zealous for what is good?”  There will be exceptions, but most people are going to really like you if you’re eager to do good for other people.  Proverbs 3:1-4, “My son, do not forget my teaching, But let your heart keep my commandments; 2 For length of days and years of life And peace they will add to you.  [And here’s one of those commandments.] 3 Do not let kindness and faithfulness leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart.  4 So you will find favor and good repute In the sight of God and man.

Another reason we want to be kind (and it’s a common theme of scripture) is it has great power to change hearts and draw people to their Savior.

  • Romans 12:19-21, “19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord.  20 “BUT IF YOUR ENEMY IS HUNGRY, FEED HIM, AND IF HE IS THIRSTY, GIVE HIM A DRINK; FOR IN SO DOING YOU WILL HEAP BURNING COALS ON HIS HEAD.”  [I think the idea is he’ll feel such shame over how he’s treated you,  he’ll be sorry about how he’s treated you.] 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”  You can overcome evil in the hearts of people with kindness.
  • Matthew 5:16, “Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.”
  • Acts 2:44-47, “44 And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; 45 and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. 46 Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, 47 praising God and having favor with all the people.”  Notice first, these were joyful people.  They were glad to be Christians.  They had smiles on their faces and attitudes and friendliness that made it really look like they actually believed they had found the truth and their sins were forgiven and the Lord was with them and they had eternal life.  That attracts people.  But then also they were really kind, sharing all they had with each other, and it seems they were also really kind to people outside the church.  I think that’s why it says they had favor with all the people.  And then look at what was happening at the end of verse 47, “And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved.”  I think the many who didn’t know Christ around them liked them, admired them, and respected them for their kindness.  They were attracted to them by their kindness, that opened many doors to teach them about the Lord, who had changed them into such beautiful people.
  • Wives,” says I Peter 3:1, “be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.” Have beautiful kind respectful behavior as a wife and you may win your unbelieving husband without a word, without even preaching at him?

And finally, we want to be kind so that we can really worship God.

What we do here at this building is worship.  It worships God when we sing praises from our hearts and when we pray to Him and put into the plate and as we take the Lord’s Supper in remembrance of what Christ has done and its significance and we thank Him.  This worships God.  But I really believe what we do here for this hour is secondary to the worship that God really desires.  The primary worship that God desires of us is done outside of this hour.

Micah 6:6-8, “With what shall I come to the Lord And bow myself before the God on high?  [In other words what could I do that would most please and worship God?  What would mean more than anything else to Him?] Shall I come to Him with burnt offerings, With yearling calves?  7 Does the Lord take delight in thousands of rams, In ten thousand rivers of oil?  [What a contribution that would be!  Is that what He wants most?] Shall I present my firstborn for my rebellious acts, The fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?  8 He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you But to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God?”  What God wanted of the Jews most was not anything that they did down at the temple, though those things were important.  But what He wanted most was away from the temple, at home and at work and the other places of their everyday lives.  That’s also what God desires most of us.  What we do here is important.  Jesus has taught us to do this, and it worships God, but I think really the primary purpose of this is to encourage and equip and motivate us to really worship God in our everyday lives.  Wherever we’re going this afternoon, if there are going to be other people around us, let’s go really worship God by simply being kind to other people.  Hebrews 13:15 says, “let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of the lips that give thanks to His name.”  It’s good to worship God in praise and thanksgiving.  Then the next verse says, “And do not neglect doing good and sharing for with such sacrifices God is pleased.”  We’re going to stand and praise Him.  And then let’s leave here and go really worship Him by doing good and sharing, by kindness.

-James Williams

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *