Self-Control

I would like talk to you about how to handle the #1 trouble maker in your life, what to do about that person that has caused more damage to your life and your relationships and your wellbeing than any other person and that may continue to make a mess of things for you. I don’t mean your spouse. I don’t mean one of your kids or your unreasonable boss or that angry lady who lives next door. I mean the person you see every morning when you wash your face. That individual who looks back at you in the mirror has made it the most difficult for you to live the best life you can here on earth, and have the relationships with God and with others you want to have.

There may not be many people around you aside from your spouse who will tell you the truth about that individual, but God’s word has many honest things to say about him or her.

It says that person is not to be trusted. Jeremiah the prophet said, “I know, O Lord, that a man’s way is not in himself; it is not in a man to direct his steps.” That person is not suited to lead your life. You need guidance from outside yourself.

If trusted, if allowed to have the steering wheel of your life, that person will make a real mess of things. Galatians 5:19-22 is a list of the deeds of the flesh, the deeds of the old self, who we are without God’s guidance and help. Let me read it to you in a paraphrase version, “It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.” Let self have its way and it will make us as ugly as sin and our relationships miserable and our lives futile.

Jesus said, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, if anyone wishes to be with Me, to save their life, they must deny self and follow Me.” Self is the person that’s in our way from being who God made us to be and going where He, the God who loves us, wants us to go.

Proverbs 25:28, “Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control.” A city without walls in ancient days was in big trouble. It would be easily attacked and pillaged and destroyed. It would be easy pickings for its enemies. So people without self-control, people who let self have the control, likewise are in big trouble; easy pickings for Satan. They will be brought to ruin.

That’s why when the apostle Paul lists the qualities he calls the fruit of the Spirit, the qualities that the Lord who loves us wants to help us to develop, he concludes the list with the quality of self-control; strength and willingness to control the passions and desires of self, the strength and willingness to say “No” to self, to postpone satisfaction in order to accomplish something better. I think Batman said it about as well as any. “Get a hold of yourself man!”

O, but our culture disagrees. Satan has conditioned society to believe that the key to happiness is to disregard all constraints, do whatever you desire to do, indulge yourself, do not deny yourself any pleasure. Like Solomon, when it appears he decided to set aside his father David’s advice about fearing God and keeping His commandments, to see for himself if there was a better path to take in life. And he took the path of self-indulgence and self-promotion, and got further down that path than most people would ever dream of going. He immersed himself in the party kind of life, in wine and women and comedy. He had hundreds of wives and concubines. He was probably the wealthiest man to have ever lived. And he bought and acquired and built and accumulated all he could imagine; palaces and orchards and gardens and parks, flocks and herds and servants, treasures of gold and silver, everything. He sums it up in Ecclesiastes 2:10, “All that my eyes desired I did not refuse them. I did not withhold my heart from any pleasure…” That’s largely the approach of our culture. Do not withhold from yourself anything you desire or any pleasure. How well did that turn out for Solomon? Well, after having it all, trying it all, experiencing it all, he got very bored and very depressed. He wrote about how it was all shallow and unfulfilling. And he couldn’t help but think about the fact that everything he achieved, he was not going to have for very long, because he was going to die and it was all to go to other people who would likely be fools and wouldn’t deserve it. And he wrote the book of Ecclesiastes to tell us that the path of self-indulgence and aggrandizement (puffery) is deceptive and unfulfilling, a dead end and waste of one’s life. The path of self-control to fear God and keep His commandments is the way to go, not just because, as Solomon says, there’s a day of judgment coming where God will hold us accountable for our lives, but also because God loves us as a Father; the boundaries he prescribes for our lives, the things He tells us to do and not do, are not to burden us and prevent us from having fun in life. They are for our good, our protection, that we might have the best families and relationships and beautiful character and feel good about how we’re living and be the most useful and effective in influencing others for Him, and just plain have a deeper joy and peace than we could ever have through self-indulgence.

Let’s make this more personal. Let me mention…

Some specific areas in which God calls us to exhibit self-control.

Now quite possibly as I mention some of these, you’re going to start feeling a little guilty and maybe a little concerned about where you are with God. So let me first say this. James 3:2 says, “We all stumble in many ways.” Not a one of us is perfect. II Peter 1:8 says (after listing 7 qualities we’re to be working on, one of which is self-control), “If these qualities are yours and are increasing…” then you will be useful and fruitful, the entrance in to the eternal kingdom of our Lord will be opened wide to you (II Peter 1:8-11). We’re not saved because we’re perfect. We’re saved by God’s grace, as long as these qualities like self-control are increasing, as long as we’re growing in these, as long as we’re listening to God’s word and trying to adjust our lives to His will. If we’re not willfully ignoring His word or refusing to change, then the grace of God in Christ has us covered. So as we go through these areas where God calls us to exhibit self-control and you see that you’re lacking self-control in some areas, then those are areas to pray about and strive with the help of God’s Spirit to become more Christ-like in. As we try and grow, the grace of God makes up for what we’re not.

We’ll start with some obvious areas where self-control is needed.

  • When things don’t go our way and we’re mad. Scripture talks a lot about that: Proverbs 29:11, “A fool always loses his temper, But a wise man holds it back.”
  • In the area of sexuality: Hebrews 13:4, “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” You absolutely cannot be sleeping with somebody that’s not your God approved spouse and be alright with God.
  • In speech: James 1:26, “If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue, he deceives his own heart and his religion is worthless.” It’s essential that we bridle our tongues. Now, as long as we’re able to talk we’re probably not going to get to the point where we never ever misuse our tongues in any way, shape, or form. James 3:2, “If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body as well.” We must get a good handle on the use of our tongues. We must not be characterized as liars or gossipers or slanderers or have mouths like a sailor.
  • In our work: In a book entitled “The Day America Told the Truth” it says that average employees around America frankly admit that they spend more than 20% of their time at work goofing off. That works out to giving the boss 4 days of work each week, but getting paid for 5. Over half surveyed said they called in sick on occasion when all they were sick of was working. Other employees told of coming in late and leaving early, taking extended breaks, falsifying their time card, making personal calls when not allowed, surfing the internet, and lying on expense accounts. Colossians 3:22ff (written to slaves, but we can apply it to ourselves as employees), if the Lord expected slaves to work heartily for masters who didn’t treat or pay them fairly, then it stands to reason this is at least what the Lord would expect of us as employees who work for somebody who treats and pays us more fairly. “…in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with eye service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.” Not like the man that was working on the road way. He’d been working there for a couple of weeks, he went to the foreman and complained to him that he’d been there for two weeks and no one had given him a shovel. And the foreman said, “Well, what’s the problem? You’re still getting paid aren’t you?” He said, “Yeah I’m getting paid, but that’s not the problem. All these other guys over here have got something to lean on and I don’t.”
  • In our spending: Obviously we are called to refrain from spending on our wants, for it will keep us from paying people we owe money to. That’s a form of stealing when we’re not paying people we owe. But also in our spending we’re called to be people who refrain from spending on ourselves to such an extent that it makes us unable to help people who need help. John the Baptist preached to people who were asking him about what repentance looks like in somebody’s life, and one of the things John said was, “The man who has two tunics is to share with him who has none; and he who has food is to do likewise.” That’s the character we are to have, unselfish, one that cares for the needs of the people around them. So before we splurge on stuff we don’t need, we just want, I think Jesus would have us ask ourselves, “Is there someone who needs my help that this purchase is going to prevent me from helping?” That seems like a Christ-like question to me.
  • In our time management: The self-control God wants us to have is not just refraining from things that are evil, it’s also choosing to do better. Fishing is not wrong necessarily, nor is golf or hunting or hiking or gardening or biking or just relaxing on your porch. But sometimes there are better things to do, more helpful to others and to the kingdom of God, more productive, that we could do instead. And the Lord calls us to be about choosing what is better. Ephesians 5:15, “Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men but as wise, 16 making the most of your time, because the days are evil.” That’s going to require some self-control.
  • In our media consumption: Sometimes you may need to relax and rejuvenate a bit, and that may be helpful at times. But how many hours of the day are we going to spend on our computers or the TV, consuming media? And for what good purpose? Is it perhaps keeping us from a deeper relationship with God that comes through devotion to prayer, delighting in His word, interacting with His people, and the doing of good things for others?
  • In food and drink: Ephesians 5:18, “Do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation…” We know that, but do you know something that’s often connected with drunkenness in Scripture? We never really talk about it, maybe because it hits too close to home; making ourselves less and less healthy and less capable of serving and helping people in physical ways because of eating too much. Proverbs 23:19-21, “Listen, my son, and be wise, And direct your heart in the way. 20 Do not be with heavy drinkers of wine, Or with gluttonous eaters of meat; 21 For the heavy drinker and the glutton will come to poverty, And drowsiness will clothe one with rags.” I think the Lord would have us to exhibit the self-control to take care of our bodies in a way where we have the most energy and health for serving, so that we can do the most with our time here on earth.
  • In our thoughts: Did you know we can control our thoughts? The Lord calls us to do so. I think it was Martin Luther who said, “You can’t keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can sure keep them from building a nest in your hair!” Sometimes bad thoughts may arise in our minds, but whether we entertain them or not is our choice. In Mark 7:21, Jesus lists a bunch of things that proceed from the heart of man that defile the man. The first in the list, and for good reason because it leads to all the rest, is evil thoughts. Matthew 5:27-28, Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” I know from experience that it is very hard to think pure and right if you’re filling your mind with stuff that’s impure and opposed to God.

Now…

How do we develop self-control?

First of all we’re going to have to own the responsibility for ourselves, our words, actions, thoughts and habits.

We’re never going to develop self-control in an area in which we’re saying, “I can’t help it. It’s just the way I am. If you had known my father and my grandfather, then you’d know it just runs in the family.” Or, “Because of my childhood experiences and the environment I grew up in and this and that, I can’t help it.”

I think quite often we are lying when we say that. You say you can’t control your temper. When somebody insults you, you can’t help but strike back. But let’s say a very rich man came to you and offered you this deal in which you were going to be secretly video tapped for one week in your everyday life and you would be given $1 million dollars if you could go one week without an outburst of anger or doing anything hurtful to another person. Could you do it? I bet you could.

Have you ever been screaming mad at your spouse and your kids and maybe slamming things, and then the phone rings and all of the sudden you go from raging to “Oh, hi Jackie. I’m doing fine. How about yourself?” I think we can control ourselves if we really want to.

And Scripture teaches us that God has given His Spirit to us as Christians by which we can put to death the deeds of the flesh (Romans 8:13). Ephesians 3:20, God is “able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.” We can do everything God calls us to do with the help of His Spirit. I Corinthians 10:13 seems to have been written to some people who appear to think that the things God calls them to do are beyond them. And it says, “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

So let’s own the responsibility for everything we do.

A key to self-control is motivation. You have to have a bigger “Yes” to say “No” to self. People can do extraordinary things when they’re motivated.

Did you hear about Aron Ralston? The movie “127 hours.” The young man was hiking in the Utah wilderness and got his arm stuck under an 800 pound boulder. He was stuck for 5 days until he finally cut his arm off with a dull pocket knife. He had to break the bones and everything. Then he had to rappel down a 65 foot cliff, with one arm, and hike out 8 miles.

Did you hear the one about the man who worked a “4pm to 12pm” shift and walked home every night? One night the moon was shining so bright he decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery, which would save him roughly a half-mile of walking. Nothing bad happened taking the shortcut and it was nice to cut a half mile off the walk and so he started to cut through the cemetery on a regular basis, even when he could hardly see where he was walking. Well, one night as he was walking his normal route through the cemetery, he didn’t realize that during the day a grave had been dug in the very center of his path. He stepped right into the grave. He immediately, desperately started trying to get out. He jumped and grabbed the grass on the surface and kicked and struggled, but he couldn’t get out. After a few minutes of trying he decided to just sit down and relax and wait until morning when someone would help him out. So he sat down in the corner and he was half asleep when a drunk stumbled into the grave. Just like the shift worker he was desperately trying to climb out, clawing frantically at the sides without success. And then the shift worker reached out his hand, and touched the drunk on the leg and said, “Friend, you can’t get out of here…” – but then the drunk did! He had motivation.

Motivation comes in different forms. Fear is one form.

It’s not the best motivation for exhibiting the self-control needed to do God’s will, but it’s a legitimate one. Jesus said to motivate self-control in the areas it’s needed, “If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell [ghenna, the garbage dump]. If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell.”

No, I don’t think He’s literally advocating amputation and plucking out eyeballs. But what He says is literally true, isn’t it? It would be better to gouge out your eye or cut off your hand than it would be to keep your whole body intact and go on sinning and be destroyed in hell. And so whatever you need to do to put an end to a sinful habit, no matter the cost, no matter the pain, you need to do it. Do you need to get rid of your computer? Do you need to change jobs? Do you need to find a new group of friends? However much it hurts and costs, it will hurt and cost less than the alternative.

Hope is another motivation.

I Corinthians 9:24ff, Paul talks about the athletes who compete in the games, they exercise self-control in many ways. They don’t eat whatever they feel like. They don’t skip their workout whenever they don’t feel like going. When they’re training and they’re muscles are burning and they’re tired and they don’t want to run another lap, they just do it anyway.  And for what reason? The hope of a perishable wreath and just some moments of glory. How much more should we exhibit self-control during this short stay on earth in the ways God calls us to? He holds out for us an imperishable wreath, eternal life. Do you realize eternal life is available to us? If you really see it, you can exhibit the necessary self-control.

The greatest form of motivation is love.

If we love someone, we will make sacrifices and exercise self-control for their benefit. If you have kids or had kids, why do you get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying to take care of them? Why not just shut the door so you can’t hear them? They’d survive until morning. Because you love them. Why did you spend your time playing with them and reading them books and spending your money on them? Love.

Jesus said repeatedly, “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments” (John 14:15, 21, 23, I John 5:3; II John 6). When we sin knowingly, out of a lack of self-control, it’s because we love that thing or that pleasure more than we love the Lord.

Let’s never lose sight of the fact that He gave us life, our time, our money, our bodies, our abilities, our eyesight, our hearing, our taste, our families, every good thing. And He exhibited far more self-control than we ever will on our behalf, to live a sinless life and bear our sins in His body on the cross.

Have you heard the Greek myth about the sirens? The sirens were half woman and half bird. They lived on a famous island. And what they would do is try to mesmerize the sailors who were passing by their entrancing singing. They would allure them with their singing so that their vessels would run aground on the rocks and they would be shipwrecked and perish. When the hero Odyssess wanted to pass by the island, he plugged the crew’s ears with wax and ordered them to tie him to the mast of the ship, and no matter how much he begged, they were not to untie him. When they passed near the Sirens’ island, Odysseus started begging his shipmates to let him go, but none heard him; instead, they tied him even more. After they passed, Odysseus let them know they were now in safe waters. We could avoid the allurement of the world by stopping up our ears and putting blinders on and secluding ourselves from society, but then we’re kind of useless in the world.

That’s not the way to do it. There was another group that passed by the island as well, the Argonauts. The Argonauts encountered the Sirens and they also managed to successfully evade their allurement, but in a different way. Orpheus who was on board their ship took a harp and played music of such beauty and superior charm that the sailors gave no heed to the sirens’ song. That’s the approach we should take. Let’s pay attention, open the eyes and ears of our hearts and be taken up in the wonder of God’s glory and grace and goodness to us and the promises He’s made to us, and listen closely to those songs of His… and then the songs of the world will lose their appeal, because they’re only about fleeting, feeble, and futile things. They don’t compare with God’s songs of eternal, imperishable, and meaningful things.

-James Williams

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